The third incarnation of The Boulet Brothers' "Dragula" has come to a close, and from the glamour and gore rises a new king in Landon Cider. He joins the winner's circle of Vander von Odd and Biqtch Puddin, the elite artists among the thirty total contestants thus far. While success and sensation reach beyond the crowned, there are a handful of performers who came within a bitch claw of snatching the title of the World's Next Drag Supermonster.
While it may be too vogue for "Dragula" to run an All Stars season, just as Drag Race has already, what's to say that a second crack at the crown wouldn't make for a blood-soaked affair worthy of the Boulet name? As such, I offer up nine monsters who could make for an intense season of slashing, bashing, and monster mashing.
These contestants will be chosen based on a few criteria. Fan favorites are more likely to get back in the running, as are those who were eliminated in shocking or unexpected fashion. Just because someone didn't make top three in their season does not disqualify them from a run at the All Stars title. Some choices will be made based on how integrated that monster was to the making of good television. And while a field of nine should lend itself to an even draw of three monsters per season, I am choosing to break that rule, cuz that's why rules exist.
1. Meatball (S1, 4th place)
Meatball’s run on the inaugural season was all over the place. When she succeeded, she turned it out. When she slipped, she legitimately pissed herself during the buried alive extermination. The self-proclaimed "goddamn terrorist" of drag has the chops to get it done, as she is a previous winner of the nightclub iteration of the competition. Since her decapitation, Meatball has gone on to make a hilarious cameo in season 2’s Last Supper cold open, as well as work with gay networking app Hornet as their correspondent during DragCon LA and NYC. In short, she may not necessarily need an All Stars redemption arc, but it would not hurt this iconic and campy performer to have another shot at the title.
2. Xochi Mochi (S1, 5th/6th place)
Poor Xochi got the raw end of the series only (to date) double extermination. While her record was winless at the time of her departure, she had only faced one extermination before her demise, whereas co-exterminee Loris had placed in the bottom all but one week. Since her untimely demise, Xochi has been serving the looks all over social media, though has largely gone unnoticed on the "Dragula" radar. Fans debate whether she or Loris deserve the higher ranking in the standings, given the double extermination, and so perhaps a second crack at things would settle that score for this self-professed killer clown from outer space.
3. James Majesty (S2, runner-up)
The Seattle siren of season two has the most main challenge wins of any performer not to win the competition outright. With equal doses of beauty and verbal brutality, James stirred the shit often, but could perform when it was her neck on the chopping block. Her monstrosity grew and flourished as the season progressed, with her biggest win coming during the Wasteland Weekend maxi-challenge. Sadly, during the grand finale, it seemed like it was mostly between would-be winner Biqtch Puddin and co-runner up Victoria Elizabeth Black, with James’ high fashion flying largely under the radar when the chips were on the table. Perhaps if she focuses on the competition and less on the cattiness, the owner of the Pervert Palace could see herself ascend to the crown as she once envisioned.
4. Louisianna Purchase (S3, 4th place)
The elder stateswoman of season three could also be the eternal bridesmaid. Despite five "HIGH" placements in her season, she walked away winless. Even with that dubious honor, Louisianna always kept an air of class, respect, and sisterhood in the boudoir. As I’ve said many times before, she could be the Miss Congeniality of this season, would such an award have existed. Miss Purchase proved that she can tough it out in an extermination challenge, even passing out from the pain during the staple sideshow extermination. Great as her run may have been, she still has a hell of a lot to prove, and even more to show the Boulets.
5. Maddelynn Hatter (S3, 6th place)
The crimson-wigged New Yorker was nothing, if not the most quotable of the season three contestants. Again, I have to wonder where the "Fuck the big picture, Clint!" T-shirts are on dragqueenmerch.com. Another winless entry on this list, Maddelynn Hatter should have another go at it for no other reason than the moments she would create, especially given the next two entrants I have lined up. Her track record on the show may be less than stellar, but even if she would end up first to be exterminated, she would make damn good television on the way out.
6. Victoria Elizabeth Black (S2, runner-up)
Victoria was inches away from the crown during season two, outdone only by the filth of eventual winner Biqtch Puddin. The Orlando native is arguably the craftiest queen to grace the "Dragula" stage, with her homemade outfits and props rarely failing to wow the judges. After being so close the first go-round, it isn’t farfetched to think that Victoria would want another shot at glory. The middle child of the Black family, as it pertains to the show’s current canon, the 23 years young Victoria has so much more she can do. Will she be the one to redeem the family name, or will it be...
7. Dollya Black (S3, runner-up)
The first legacy contestant in "Dragula" history, Dollya came barreling out of the gate, winning the first main challenge of the season. Her standing in the competition overall matched that of her mother, as she would also go on to make runner-up. Even as Dollya’s true colors bled through at the back end of the season, she managed to make the floor shows something to behold, working with concepts few would dare to attempt. I realize what a powderkeg I have created by proposing that Maddelynn, Victoria, and Dollya be on the same season, working in the same boudoir, and especially across from drama mamas like James Majesty, but if we’re going to have tea being spilled, let’s have only the finest on tap, shall we?
8. Disasterina (S2, 5th place)
Season two’s trashiest made a cameo during the trash challenge in season three, and it reminded me of how much I missed her zany commentary. Her alien creation is easily one of the most iconic looks in show history, and she is one of the most endearing monsters the show has ever had. Another winless wonder, not to mention the oldest contestant in series history, the Chicago-born Disasterina is deserving of one more ride, be it for ejaculate or for the empire.
9. Abhora (S2, 4th place)
Abhora had the roughest go at things, I would argue, of any contestant of the thirty that have run the "Dragula" gauntlet. Early drama between her and fellow Atlanta native Biqtch Puddin clouded her focus, and threw the beaked wonder off her game early. Even when she finally did win a challenge in the season’s sixth episode, she was still up for extermination, and that was after being in the bottom the previous two weeks. Perhaps with less outside distractions, Abhora could shine brighter than she did in season two, or at least take away a challenge win outright, no strings attached.
Honorable mention / alternate: Loris (S1, 5th/6th place)
NOT TONIGHT! The Swiss-born zombunny was the phrase “feast or famine” personified in season one. That being said, one look at her Instagram page, and it’s apparent that her polarizing status in her season hasn’t hurt her bookings one bit. It was difficult to justify her being in the upper echelon, but should the field be expanded or thinned for any reason, Loris should slide right into that spot and have her second chance.